The Heck You Say
by J.A. Carlton
Summary: While investigating incidents of Lost Time in a small Pacific Northwest Town Dean has some experiences of his own...
1. Chapter 1

The Heck You Say… An attempt at a comedic SN fic.

By J.A. Carlton

aka sifichick

Still Disclaiming…. still loving… aaahhhh life has its moments.

Part 1.

_This has got to be the worst motel bed on Earth! Damn my head is killing me, why do I feel so… oh God…_Dean groaned, his hand flopping onto a cold cement floor. _I thought the room was carpeted… ungh my head!_ he turned his head setting of what sounded like a marching band full of drummers and became aware that he was about to experience one of the worst hangovers of his young life. _I had three beers! that's Not Right!_

His eyes cracked cautiously against the light and knew something wasn't right, he was seeing stripes and they were steel.

"Coffee first, then water," a disturbingly alert 'not-Sammy' voice instructed as an all too familiar rolling metal and clang yanked a groan from somewhere in the middle of his heartburn.

"What time is it?" he groaned forcing himself to sit up and take in the kindly weathered face before him.

"You ready?" the Sheriff, who's name bar read A. Griffin asked compassionately.

"Mmm for what?" he asked suspiciously, _God I'm gonna get the 'lectric chair or something… what the hell did I do?_ he tried searching his memory but only came up with his last incredible dart grouping he'd thrown. He felt the sheriff's warm grip take his hand and press a steaming hot cup of coffee into it.

"T'hold the cup… got some cheesy toast for you too… trust me it helps," he added knowingly.

Dean's brows furrowed as he squinted into the deep brown, kind eyes before him, "Okay… when did I get to the Twin Peaks and where's Coop?" he asked breathing the rich roast scent deep inside, "Oh yeah, thanks."

"Welcome. For the record, you're in Twin Lakes not Peaks and as far as I know Agent Cooper is back inside David Lynch's mind where he belongs… As for when you got here, I don't know but after last night you might want to consider not sticking around too much longer… not that most folks'll remember it themselves…but still…"

"What're you talking about?" Dean asked feeling a slimy rolling in his guts. He wasn't usually partial to civilized conversations with cops but that was mostly their own fault. _Strutting around like they have it all figured out… yeah… cock of the walk becomes a feather duster… hmmm thank you Beyond Thunderdome…great flick, but this guy's different…_

"Nothing you need to worry yourself about son, it's just… you might not want to stick around too long is all," he reiterated handing Dean one of the two thick cut French bread slices laden with butter and firmly toasted Swiss cheese.

"Thanks…the last thing I remember was shooting a game of darts with my cousin… oh jeez, Sam…" he hung his head.

"Which brings me to the next question… anyone I can call to come and get you?"

"Uh… not that I'm ungrateful…" Dean said around a huge wad of toast, _I think this is the best damned cheese bread in the world! God this tastes good!_

"Drunk 'n disorderly… ya got into a scrape with Carl… His wife Millie picked him up late last night. Neither of 'em are willing to press charges. I just didn't want to take the chance of you trying to drive and really hurting someone y'know?"

At the mention of a fight, small discomforts began to make themselves known, an achy pulsing in his left cheek bone, some hot scrape-ish feeling on the knuckles of his right hand, "What the hell happened?" he asked completely dumbfounded, "I really don't remember anything after maybe halfway through the last game of darts…"

"You're absolutely certain?" the Sheriff asked.

"Yeah… look I was with my cousin… three beers and he's doing karaoke so I gotta drive y'know? I have a three beer limit myself when I'm with him because of it…" he looked into the weathered face before him and recognized that the man was reluctant to give him the details. _Well it can't be all that bad if there weren't any charges pressed! Then why are my guts crawling?_ he wondered to himself.

The face before him cocked an eyebrow and looked like its owner was having a hard time answering the question.

"Well… uh… Ray, the bartender called over, said I needed to pick up a rowdy out of towner… that'd be you…" he smiled kindly.

"Good to know… I guess…" Dean nodded slightly, each movement drawing a squeak from his dehydrated joints, "…but rowdy how?" _What the hell did I do?_

"From what I gather you were trying to hustle some of the boys at pool… then some old Def Leppard song came on and… well… you started singin'… and stuff…"

Dean felt his heart leap and his stomach flip over, whatever it was it must've been bad for a man the sheriff's age to have a hard time spitting it out.

"Stuff? What kind of stuff?" _God do I really want to know? Maybe I can remember… uh… I got nuthin' damnit!_

The sheriff closed his eyes, drew a deep breath and sighed, "Well you climbed up onto the bar and started kinda… dancin and singing Pour Some Sugar on Me… and… some of the guys said you started doing kind of a striptease to it…" he grimaced watching Dean's reaction carefully.

"Oh God…" Dean moaned as he felt his expression freeze into one of pure horror and threw his head back into the cinderblock wall, "Ouch crap!"

"Now just relax son… Carl pulled you off the bar before you even got to your t-shirt so don't you worry about that… thing is ... you really kinda… wanted to finish the dance… and that's when the fight started…"

"Oh God I think I'm gonna puke…" Dean groaned flushing scarlet as Sheriff Griffin pressed a bottle of water into his hands.

"Don't worry too much about it son… you're not the first and you probably won't be the last…" he tried to ease the young mans' embarrassment.

"What?"

"Every once in a while something like that happens round here… it's just kinda par for the course if you take my meaning."

"You talking about the 'lost time' stuff around here?" he asked trying to bury his embarrassment in the normalcy of his paranormal life while the rational part of him was clamoring, _What the hell are you doing? Shut it stupid! He's a cop! You can't trust him!_

Sheriff Griffin cocked an eyebrow and nodded, "Lemme guess you 'n your cousin are UFO chasers or something…"

Dean smiled awkwardly, "Not really but we are interested in unusual phenomena and we were passing this way so we decided to see what we could see."

The kind hearted older man nodded his head, "Well I hope you've seen enough… but folks like you just aren't equipped to be sticking their noses into this particular brand of phenomenon so… once you can see straight again I'm gonna suggest you and your cousin high tail it out of here… now… where can I reach him?"

As he dialed the number Dean recited he completely missed his 'Taken Aback' look at the assumption that they weren't prepared for this, _Sure… kick my pride when it's hung over!_ he thought derisively, _Tell me I get busted trying to do a damned striptease to Def Leppard no less! then tell me I can't handle whatever it is that's going on? I got news for you Sheriff A. Griffin… I'm gonna figure out your little 'missing time' problem and I'm even gonna solve it for you… just as soon as my guts stop spinning…_ he vowed shoving the last piece of the cheese bread into his mouth and relishing in the taste of it, _Damn that's good!_ he moaned as he heard Sammy's voice on the other end of the phone as the Sheriff told him how to get to the station.

"Dude! A striptease!... Ah… you kill me!" Sam sighed grinning hugely as he turned into the motel parking lot and Dean slumped further down into the passenger seat, his darkest sunglasses barely dark enough to allow him to open his eyes against the obscenely bright day.

"Keep it up Sammy and I will kill you…" he snarled.

Sam tried to get back to the business at hand but couldn't get the mental image out of his head. He saw Dean swathed around the hips in a sky blue towel with a matching towel wrapped around his head, a la Carmen Miranda… kinda like he was wearing when they flopped in that house with the steam shower he liked so much… and in this image he was waggling his hips holding a hair brush and singing macho man… Sammy couldn't say where the image had come from… but every time it capered across the stage of his mind he couldn't stop himself from snorting laughter that made his belly ache.

"Aahhh… You and your little blue towel…" he sighed again and put the car into park in front of their room.

"What?" Dean grunted fumbling for the door handle.

"Ma cho ma cho man…" Sam taunted opening the door to their room and making a bee line for the bathroom still humming the classic as Dean pushed himself out of the car and lumbered to the door.

"It was Pour Some Sugar on Me… freakin' butt muncher…" he groaned shutting the door firmly and face planting on the bed where he promptly passed out.

If anyone thinks I should NOT continue with this please let me know… I fear comedy… it frightens me.

Please R&R I need to bounce in my seat occasionally. What? TMI?

Thanx

sifi


	2. Chapter 2

The Heck You Say… pt 2.

(sifi's attempt at a humorous fic)

Disclaimer… sure

Love… Uh huh.

--

Dean stretched and rolled to the left, it was the first movement he'd made in nearly fourteen hours but even as his senses began to return, the knowledge that he was somehow still alive startled him. He blinked hard a few times, the dark surrounding him not making sense as he decided he could feel his synapses starting to fire again.The events of the early morning; beginning with waking in a jail cell and a kind, compassionate Sheriff, (a full on oxymoron in Dean's book), had joked with him about Twin Peaks, gave him coffee and some of the best damned cheese bread he'd ever tasted and somewhere along the way Sammy had started singing Macho Man… then there was waking up in darkness, it all might make sense somewhere eventually.

_Why is it that you always wake up with cow paddy mouth when you're hung over? _He stretched his legs first then in increments the whole of his body, wondering when the agony was going to set in. _Wow, I must've slept it gone… cool_ he smiled duly impressed with his body's recuperative powers and rolled slowly onto his back noting Sammy curled up beneath a mountain of blankets in the next bed.

The room seemed to glow with a faint blue light often associated with TV static or neon lights nearby, he was honestly just about to notice it when his bladder woke up and screamed that he'd best get to the bathroom… pronto! _Oh crap! gotta pee gotta pee gotta pee so bad… _

It seemed to his warped sense of time that about an hour had passed when he finally finished and his eyes fell on the shower. _Oh man…that's what I need…_he smiled looking at the multiple settings on the head. The late hour ensuring him almost all the water pressure he could handle.

As the bathroom filled with hard pounding steamy relaxation and Dean scrubbed the cow paddy taste out of his mouth he failed to notice a faint light blue shimmer enter the room through the slight gap in the door. Nor did he notice, as he stepped into the shower, that same shimmering mist envelope him and allow itself to be breathed into his body.

As his awareness was coerced into the backseat of his mind, the thing that borrowed him ran his hands over his body and began to giggle.

In the main room Sammy slept on oblivious to the faint blue shimmer that was starting to coalesce over his bed.

--

Dean ran his fingers through his hair, spiking it up just a bit more and grinned into the mirror. He nodded and stepped into the main room, his eyes falling on Sammy's sleeping form.

"See ya later…" he said quietly and blew a tender kiss to his sleeping sibling before heading out into the night.

--

With the distinct sound of Metallicar's twin exhaust chopping into the night Sam's body rolled over, the entity inhabiting it smiled and caressed his chest while moaning happily, "Now that sounds like one seriously hot ride!" and rose frm the bed noting Dean's was empty. His body headed into the shower with a kindly snarl, "Bitch… you coulda woke me up!"

--

Dean looked out his eyes, into the mirror in the ladies bathroom and gave a startled bark. He found blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes staring back at him, wearing his very own cocky smile.

"What the hell! Oh man.. Wake up Dean…" he muttered splashing water on his face but it was no use. When he looked back he saw his own mouth moving and couldn't believe the words he was hearing, "You are so lucky guys don't wear make up! I'd have to re-do my face!"

"What the hell is going on here?" he groaned.

"Damnit I knew you were too strong… okay here's the deal…"

"Deal? What deal? There is no deal… get out of me…. get out of me NOW!" he demanded feeling as though he were trying to push a brick wall out of the way.

"Wait! Please…." his mouth fairly whined.

"Oh no… look I'm not above sharing my self with a woman but this is NOT how I'm used to doing it!"

"Please listen! Christa 'n me… we had a pact… I know you know about stuff like that cause of being in here tonight and last night… "

"That was YOU!"

He felt himself shrug and heard himself say in a small voice, "I love Def Leppard…"

Dean looked into the reflection once again, "So you and this… Christa are responsible for the missing time around here?"

His head nodded, "Yeah… look she'll be here soon… she likes to sleep in a bit… you and your brother are the first people that haven't completely freaked in over twenty years!"

"Oh go Figure! I mean Helloooo!" Dean sneered into his reflection.

"Okay, okay… look… like I said you're the first one that hasn't flipped completely… and after being up here for a bit I kinda get why…"

"Oh jeez…" Dean rolled his eyes, "So what do you want?"

"Well for starters it would be nice if you'd stop thinking about salting and burning… We just have to complete the pact and then we can finally rest…"

Dean grunted and shook his head, "Okay so what's this pact you've got going on here? Cause if it's something dark I'm going to find your remains…" he started to threaten.

He felt his head shake back and forth, "No… nothing dark… it's just that my sister and I have been waiting twenty years for someone like you…"

Dean smirked into the mirror, "Yeah… I get that a lot…so what's the deal?"

--

Sam's mouth grinned as he scanned the patrons in the bar. Christa recognized Metallicar out in the lot so knew Shauna was in here with the older brother, now all she had to do was find him/her.

A six foot something fisherman stepped out of the way to retrieve his darts and out of the corner of Sam's eye she caught sight of the familiar brown leather jacket pressed up against something in the arcade room.

Sam quickly purchased three beers and strode into the back room realizing that the older brother was making out with a very attractive brunette… woman. _Wow! A girl huh? Okay… I can do that…_ Christa thought.

"Sammy you made it!" Dean grinned slapping his brother on the shoulder and introducing him to the evening's conquest, "Sam this is Marianne, Marianne my brother Sam…"

Sam's head nodded and smiled, "Nice to meet you…could I talk to you a minute Dean?" then led him to an empty corner of the room.

"A woman?" Christa asked curious.

"Dean started to freak out so I made a concession…"

"You made a concession for both of us?"

"I want to rest Christa! This is the first real chance we've had in over twenty years! I'm tired of people freaking out or shutting down just because we had a pact we couldn't complete!"

"And who's fault is that? You were the one driving! You were the one doing the shots and stripping! You were the one…"

"I know! I know…" Dean's body said as if they'd had this argument a thousand times.

"… that ran us off of freakin' Briar's Cliff!"

"I know… now do we wanna do this or do we wanna just let go of these boys and keep haunting the town? This one's willing to help… just with a girl which… hello… makes a whole world of sense given that he's a guy y'know?"

"I think this one could sleep through a hurricane."

"Yeah well this one's a freakin' horn dog… and he's thinking this is pretty much the easiest gig they're ever going to have."

Sam's head shook and Christa sighed, "Sure you get the horn dog and I get the repressed one… even dead I got crap luck…"

"Hey early to bed, early to rise gets first choice…" Dean's mouth snarked and led Sam's body back to Marianne who'd been joined by her friend Beth.

A few hours later while Christa and Beth were dancing, Sammy's physical limitations with respect to alcohol became apparent. While trying hard to keep Beth on her feet after a hellacious spin, Christa tripped over his feet and ran him straight into Dean who was quietly lost in a liplock of apparently epic proportions.

"Dude… have another beer why don'tcha," Shauna purred languidly with Dean's voice.

"Aw shut up…" Sammy's voice slurred and Dean's eyes narrowed as his fingers slid into Sam's hair, grasping a handful and pulling his body across the room with an apologetic glance to the ladies, "Excuse us a moment won't you?" Dean grinned yanking Sam along with him.

"Ow! Hey Leggo!... You're messing up my hair!" Christa leaned in and grabbed a handful of Dean's hair in return.

"Damnit Chris! You know how much gel I had to put in there to get it like this! There's nothing to work with!... leggo!" Dean's voice tried not to squeal as his body batted Sam's hand away only to have that hand come back and slap Dean's hand away too.

Back at the pinball machine Beth and Marianne stared disbelieving at two of the best looking drifters they'd ever seen getting into a slap fight.

"Eee leggo my hair…" Beth mocked with a curious and bemused smile on her face.

"Jerk," Marianne slapped her jokingly on the arm.

"Bitch," Beth retorted with a little shove at the shoulder.

"Slut," Marianne raised her mug in toast.

"Y'know if they weren't such women they might be worth trying to keep around for a few more days."

"Chris! You're making us look bad!" Dean's voice whispered as a change came over Sammy's features. _I think Sammy's awake…_he thought toward Shauna.

"It's not my fault… this one's got this whole… woo-ing thing…"

"Woo… as in like…"

"Woo! Caring, emotion, attachment… seduction… not frivolity do you get it?" she hissed back, "…and I think he's attracted to her!"

"Well that's gonna help in the long run…" Dean retorted along with Shauna, "Look, Chris let me talk to him…"

"Dean?" she asked.

"Yeah…"

"I told you he was repressed…"

"I'm NOT repressed! Would you stop saying that!" Sammy burst through and looked into his brothers' eyes.

"Sam… look at me… this is me here alright?" Dean asked.

Sam nodded, "Yeah Dean I know but…" he started and read the look he'd seen a thousand times before, the look that told him they were going to Manitoc Wisconsin rather than chasing dad, the look that told him they were going to get rid of every evil thing they could until the time was right to go after Big Bad again… The look that said point blank, 'no way you win this one,' and Sam gave him the look Dean knew equally well. The one that said, 'You win."

At the pinball machine Marianne elbowed Beth and nodded knowingly, "Told ya we were gonna get lucky tonight," Marianne grinned as the boys returned to them, wrapped their arms around their waists, Dean's body asking,

"You ready to go?"

The girls met eyes and nodded grinning, "We thought you'd never ask."

--

In the morning Sam walked into the second room they'd rented for the evening and smiled awkwardly at Marianne who was just putting her shoes on.

"Morning… Beth's waiting for you out front…" he nodded handing Dean a cup of coffee.

"Nice night?" she asked and smiled as he nodded.

"Yeah… very… you?"

"Oh yeah…"

"Next time you guys are in town give us a call…" she suggested motioning to the pad of paper on the nightstand that she'd written her number on.

"Will do…" Dean grinned sitting up with the sheet around his waist and placating her with one last kiss before she left the two brothers in the room.

At the window Sam watched them pull away and sighed his relief deep.

"When did Shauna leave you?" he asked.

Dean shook his head grinning hugely as he sipped his coffee and headed for the bathroom to take a shower, "I don't know… I don't care… she's gone… the pact has been completed and the girls can rest in peace…gotta say it was an interesting experience though... very interesting..."

As they stowed their gear in the car Dean caught sight of Sam crumpling up the phone number Marianne had left.

"Dude!" he protested.

Sam looked at him pointedly, "We're never coming back here Dean…you know it as well as I do."

Dean wasn't going to argue.

He was just pulling out onto the road when a thought occurred to him and he looked at Sam out of the corner of his eye, "Dude… the pact is completed isn't it?..." he waited, "Sam?... Sammy?..." but his little brother smirked, scooched down in the passenger seat and closed his eyes letting the orchestral strains of BOC fill his head as Metallicar spit out the miles behind them.

Okay I know it sucks out loud but at least it's done.

Thanks for indulging me. As always please R&R… unless it's bad cause I know it's bad… I know comedy ain't my schtick… The Universe has Spoken!

sifi.


End file.
